Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Countryfilers | OneFootball

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v COUNTRYFILERS

Celtic players huddle together on the pitch ahead of the William Hill Premiership match between Celtic FC and St. Johnstone FC at Celtic Park on December 29, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – Donating heavily to the Brass Monkey Protection League this Xmas period in total empathy, Kasper had his second day off in a row. Amused himself, and us, with some heiders and threw in a sweet half-volley pass for his party trick. Will look to complete his festive treble-snooze on Thursday…

UNCANNY – 6.5/10 – Lot of football in his dainty boots. Enthusiastically in about them from the off, always popping up to link and create. A footballer’s footballer; you can take the kid out of Barcelona but you can’t…

Alistair Johnston during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and St. Johnstone at Celtic Park on December 29, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7/10 – Welcome back. The Moose returns form the Canadian wilderness just in time to thaw out against the cattle-wrangling Saints (not the drug-running Paisley ones…) for a trip to the footballing tundra later this week. And how he was clicking – in tune with Kuhn within minutes to set up the first of many fine openings carved out down our swashbuckling right flank. Now go eat, sleep, repeat, please.

OF JUSTICE – 6.5/10 – From a MOTM stint on Boxing Day to another food-for-Brendan’s-thoughts outing today. Not a foot wrong, though under no great pressure. However, with no Calmac in front to collect and disperse, the Barndarrig Beckenbauer produced good composure and insight while on the ball, maintaining structure and finding the passes we needed. Should we expect his red blazing locks to be turning the faces of the Zombies a similar hue in four days’ time? Hmm.

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Another bhoy cutting his fangs for Thursday. Defensively untested, but offensively more involved and may have scored at least once with his many forays into the opposition box. Just getting his sights in…

THE TERMINATOR – 7.5/10 – Well, here’s the bhoy we expect. Confidence is massive at the Celtic level and although he’s not evidently been lacking, there have been a few questions raised around his self-belief and output. Today he seized the game early. Got those swift, precise feet of a top player in synch and put them to near-spectacular use; foiled by the keeper and luck from notching one himself but again produced the pass of the day – sensational swept cross into Kyogo for goal number three. Surprisingly hooked after 66 minutes, but I do hope it’s with a future start in mind.

SAINT BERNARDO – 8/10 MOTM – Managerial Xmas conundrum #1. Just as your 11 million bucks prodigy is beginning to light up Paradise like a (this metaphor in no way condones the use of dangerous fireworks – they should be handled by trained professionals only, or a thick Bear with no need for opposing thumbs) party pyro, your Portuguese U-23 captain decides he’ll get in one the showcasing act and demonstrates a consummate command of midfield dynamism. Dig, guile and purpose. From a bouncer providing the midfield security, to the provider – his excellent afternoon crowned by setting up two goals; one he deserved himself for the pass-and-move input, the other a sublime ball to play in Daizen.

HAKUNA HATATE – 7/10 – A typical Reo day – not quite at the races in spells, but exploding into the match with a moment of creative genius to assist the opening goal. His awareness, step-over and pass – exceptional quality. Managerial conundrum #2 – can you afford to leave those matchwinning moments on Thursday’s bench?

YING – 6/10 – Busy as the Korean border guard, but never quite unleashed his skilful potential. ‘Positive water-carrying’ would be the Korean translation of his overall involvement. Three games in a row he’s started with intent but at least this time persistence gets him a pass and complimentary Prosecco for effort, if not a celebratory New Year champers.

Kyogo Furuhashi celebrates scoring the third goal during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic C and St. Johnstone at Celtic Park on December 29, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

KILLER MUSHROOM – 7/10 – Aaaannnndddd…Heeeeeere’s Kyogo! Bang on time, bang on the year’s end, the wee mhan finds the knack once more and the poison darts get loaded for Mordor. Like Yang, persistence beats their resistence, and in Kyogo’s case it’s persistence of movement, of tireless shifting and plotting and sneaking and sprinting, finding space like King Henrik himself to poach one and stab home Arne’s wonderful delivery. New Year Hat-trick incoming…

Nicolas Kuehn reacts during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and St. Johnstone at Celtic Park on December 29, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

TAKINTE – 7.5/10 – It’s the Kuhn! Crimefighting, ‘Skelping South Park superhero returns with a vengeance. A jhoy to watch as he moves in terrifying fluidity like some supernatural shapeshifter, gliding past opponents, drifting tantalisingly in onto that lethal left peg. Nailed one, defied by save of the day for another belter. He’s going to relish the Death Star lunatic Brazilian left back’s attempts to stifle him. Can’t wait.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…

SUBS –

Daizen Maeda looks on from the dug out during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and St. Johnstone at Celtic Park on December 29, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

Daizen Maeda scores the fourth goal during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and St. Johnstone at Celtic Park on December 29, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – Can you hear the screaming? Hush, Tav. It’ll be all over soon enough. A mercurial Maeda emerges from a period of stunted displays to a cameo today, and drops right into classic Daizeminem mode. Roasting defenders, fizzing crosses, netting with finesse; looking rested and rampant. Take a valium, Tavpen, and pray to your dark gods.

James Tavernier of theRangers (Photo by Justin Setterfield/Getty Images)

Callum McGregor applauds the fans at the end of the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and St. Johnstone at Celtic Park on December 29, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 6/10 – On he came, took the armband and took control. Played some lovely exhibition stuff and close to assisting.

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6/10 – A useful 20 minutes for the big lhad to get an edge for Thursday’s inevitable involvement. Rustled well, showed some decent ability, foiled for a tap-in only by a great defensive clearance.

TONY THE TIGER – 6/10 – Robust best describes Tony in the December cold. Deputied well for AJ through the month, capped it off today with solid input. Good focus on not firing his crosses onto London Road.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6/10 – A surprising absentee but no worries about his commitment – could have scored twice in his allotted time; denied by a good save.

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – Riddle me this – what causes more festive headaches than a Green fairy (Absinthe), Creme De Menthe and Buckie Xmas cocktail? Answer – two four-zip wins and a defence and midfield bursting with in-form eager personnel, all vying for a bite at the trembling throats of the Zombies. A fine job of shuffling and re-shuffling got him over the Xmas hump with 7 points and no goals conceded, whilst extending our lead to a title-winning 14 points. Now for the tricky bit. And I don’t mean his attempts to ‘turn’ the angry lesbian he was in opposition with on the sidelines today. No, I mean the difficult job of facing the Scottish press hacks on Thursday evening, and trying not to laugh…

MIBBERY – 3/10 – Eh, one minute then four minutes added time? Despite the demonstrative show of the watch on multiple occasions as St.Johnstone players exhibited the urgency of billionaire investors to pump ‘mullyins’ into the Govan money pit. Meanwhile, over in time-forgotten Lanarkshire their brethren are letting the Zombies play on until the second coming of Henrik. No worries, however – only irritation at pointless VAR checks for non-existent goal ‘offsides’. An emergency cabal summit will be required to get themselves out of this nightmare come the New Year. We’ll see what they come up with on Thursday; their last chance saloon.

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – A game of Celtic team bingo was in order today. AJ to return from the grizzly maze? Greggs burnt the rolls? Would Calmac really not be let out the twins nursery, up to his stinky elbows in nappies? So it was with the derby obviously in mind, the Celtic Symphony set about composing a Xmas overture without the conductor on the park. And it was a stormer. Swept them away with surging powerful bass moments, uplifting strings had bums off seats, and Kyogo pinged the triangle twice just for yuks. But you can’t have an end of year party without a bit of a laugh, so felicitations to the Zombies for piping in the schadenfreude hilarity and keeping folk warm with calculations as to when this title’s mathematically ours. Valentine’s Day, probably…

Brendan Rodgers at the end of the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and St. Johnstone at Celtic Park on December 29, 2024. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

And that’s an end to THE most successful Celtic year in a CENTURY.

Of our LIVES.

Well, not Alex Rae’s – but that’ll be calculated when his biopic ‘Nosferatu’ hits cinemas next week. As for us, you might think it can only be downhill from here. Not so. Feels like a beginning – not an end – of a levelling-up of Celtic toward a status we’ve coveted for decades; a team that can stick its face into the meat-grinder of the Champions League and come out mostly unscathed; a few scrapes and a rash but ready and willing to go again and succeed.

So raise a glass to the Bhoys – and to yourselves for ploughing through this definitive phish week after week and three times on a good one. Will see you the other side of midnight. Drifting on a raft made of the abandoned funny bones of those who live to hate, floating on the tethered gaseous black souls of warped bigots in slaver-empire-blue, adrift on a river of smoothest Guinness, punted along aimlessly by my cloaked AI zombie replicant of big Belgian Waffler Phil while it hums, ‘Son of a Preacher Man.’

Slainte, have a good one.

Go Away Now

Sandman

Celtic in the Thirties by Celtic Historian Matt Corr is published in two volumes by Celtic Star Books. ORDER NOW WHILE STOCKS LAST!

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