Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Cthulhu’s Spawn

In partnership with

The Celtic Star

·29 mars 2025

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Cthulhu’s Spawn

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v CTHULHU’S SPAWN

“Evil is evil. Lesser, greater, middling, makes no difference. The degree is arbitrary, the definitions blurred. If I’m to choose between one evil and another, I’d rather not choose at all. Certainly not those Edinburgh parasites.” – Geralt Of Rivia.

Celtic v Hearts, Scottish Premiership 29/03/2025. Celtic goalkeeper Viljami Sinisalo during the match at Celtic Park, on 29 March 2025. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie PSI

VINDALOO – 7/10 – A Celtic keeper’s domestic job is to avoid nasty surprises. And, therefore, Vinny did his on cue – those early sluggish moments providing the Gorgie gargoyles with exciting openings; took a sharp hand to deflect a certain tap-in, and minutes later a terrific point-blank reaction save kept us level and awaiting the outfield to finish their lunch. Distribution was a bit ropey, but understandable due to game-time and communication issues.

Vidéos OneFootball

Celtic v Hearts, Scottish Premiership 29/03/2025. Elton Kabangu of Hearts holds off Jeffrey Schlupp of Celtic during the match at Celtic Park on 29 March 2025. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie/ PSI

SCHLUPPTHE ‘RA – 8/10 MOTM – Shaken by his first derby experience, today was marginally less intense but no more aesthetically pleasing, given the away corner was once again host to frothing grubby loyalist trampitude from the darkened alleys and molestways of the capital’s sleaziest districts. Big Jeff gave us a rousing show to smash the boogeymen, though – Maradona-ed his way out of the deep after a quarter of an hour of being pinned back, then was instrumental in the opener with a quick-witted clip into Calmac to spark the move. Powered his way through himself later, for a goal which would have capped a great display, only to be foiled by former Celtic shot-stopper supreme.

Alistair Johnston of Celtic vies with Harry Milne of Hearts during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park, on Saturday 29th March 2025. Photo Andy Buchanan/Shutterstock

WAYNE GRETZKY – 6.5/10 – After his derby calamity, today was the day AJ found stability again. Spent his intervening fortnight sparring with big lumbering American sprick, Carter-Vickers*, in the Moosemen-Trumptown international clash to exorcise some of the demons. Back at consistent no-nonsense reliability this afternoon; all-round competent.

*in the interests of equality.

Celtic v Hearts, Scottish Premiership 29/03/2025. Cameron Carter-Vickers of Celtic tackles Elton Kabangu of Hearts during the match at Celtic Park on 29 March 2025. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie PSI

GET CARTER – 7/10 – Another out to expel his derby woes after suffering a frustrating time in his Nations League exploits, losing and being involved in a barny with mouthy Moose-worrying geek Johnston* as the Yankee Dandies lost to the Grizzly Goosers for the first time since ‘Nam or something. CCV’s scrap today was with their Dutch powerhouse centre, AND Clancy Drew – spent the first-half being penalised for scowling whilst being randomly groped. But he came through in the end to dominate the backline. Normal service resumed, by the looks of it.

*in the interests of equality. “I love you both equally…”

Continued on the next page…

Celtic 3 Hearts 0 – Job done. Photo Matt Corr

APOLLO CREED – 6.5/10 – Startling – Rocky gets a gig! So used to being mystifyingly benched after fine outings, this was a new record set for consecutive Celtic appearances… And he didn’t disappoint. Was one of the few tuned-in properly early in the game – much as with the Zombies – and remained solid and uncompromising, snuffing out the Shankland threat completely and playing out nice snappy passes when it was on – note the start of the play for the stunning third.

Callum McGregor of Celtic at full time during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on March 29, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

CALMAC – 7/10 – Not 100% fit, but 100% quality in those sparkling moments where he won the game. Weighted pass of the season had Daizen in and us ahead and purring; then it was quiet orchestration and shape maintenance – sorely missed a fortnight ago – until his hooking to feed the twins.

Beni Baningime of Hearts vies with Reo Hatate of Celtic during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on March 29, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

HAKUNA HATATE – 6.5/10 – No Reo required today. The mhan who sparked the derby resurgence, and ultimately was left undeservingly bereft of a heroic credit, brought his silken poise to the middle after we buffered their early rabid approach. Those half-turns were nicely choreographed and his wits opened spaces we exploited – a major part of the game-killing third with his first-time stretch to play in Kuhn.

Nice to see the Green Brigade back. Photo JF

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – Quietly effective input from the third of the middle trio. A few delightful inventive passes, plus some sharp one-touch input (that 3rd goal again…) that really helped spook Hearts midfield and drain their enthusiasm.

Continued on the next page…

Nicolas Kuhn of Celtic vies with Harry Milne of Hearts during theScottish Premiership match at Celtic Park on Saturday 29th March 2025. Photo Andy Buchanan/Shutterstock

TAKINTE – 6.5/10 – His recent toil has been costly ; we need that high-energy impact his electric and unpredictable wing-play has brought so often. And for a while it seemed he was still in the doldrums, seeking a tailwind. Then he found his touch, sparked into devastating life and laid on two goals. On the way back for a rousing season finale?

Daizen Maeda of Celtic scores his opening goal during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on March 29, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – Every Tory’s favourite Labour PM, Starmer, wants to ban samurai swords. Because, obviously, nobody will then stab anybody ever again…Well, he’ll not dull ours; sharp as the edge of reality, in he went for a first slotted home like a Larsson tribute and added to just on half-time with a Sutton 6-2 special tap-in. How many’s that? Hell knows, as they say in Japan – it’s all about the anime madness and Daizen’s this season’s Akira.

Jota of Celtic celebrates after scoring the second goal during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on March 29, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

NOTEBOOK – 6.5/10 – As with Calmac, he’s not fully-fit but was wildly ignited enough to trouble the Zombies when we eventually used him, and today despite lingering on the periphery a while, you cannot keep a top chanter out of the limelight. In he came with a period of torment and delight and was fleet of foot to pounce on a rebound to let us see he might be short on match condition but his celebration-fitness is still peak.

Jota of Celtic celebrates after scoring the second goal during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on March 29, 2025.. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

Continued on the next page…

SUBS –

Paulo Bernardo returns. Photo Celtic FC

SAINT BERNARDO – N/A – Good to see him back and getting minutes to find his rhythm.

YING – N/A – Thrown in to hustle like a yappy wee dug; panted around for a bit.

DUNCAN IDAHO – N/A – Not going to repeat his mideweek Dublin dynamics, as the game was dead.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – N/A – Look, it’s Luke again. Might have been disappointed at his omission and lack of game-time.

Brothers Alan Forrest of Hearts and James Forrest of Celticat full time during the Scottish Premiership match at Celtic Park on March 29, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

JAMESY – N/A – The call went out! Come back from vacation, Jamesy, it’s that time of year again – we need a title sealed and you need a record goal. He’s been wintering down at New Orleans for Mardi Gras – they love Jamesy there; talk about the legend of ‘the Scottish guy with the truckloads of bead necklaces’ for some reason…So he closed up his beloved holiday home – named ‘House Of The Rising Sun’ – and hightailed it back to Paradise for his rousing reception. Maximum 9 games to go. One goal required. Get him on pens…

Continued on the next page…

Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers arrives prior to the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on March 29, 2025. (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – Either BR’s not had a shower for a couple of weeks or there’s a nuclear-powered sunbed going on ebay tonight. Fined by the freaks at UEFA for not boiling the half-time kettle in Munich quickly enough – stupid German 2-pin plug points he couldn’t work out – and pilloried by many for the derby disaster, it’s not been a good week or two for the spray-tan Stein.

Debate over his selection this afternoon might have been chaotic had he not done exactly what the fanbase has been speculating on and rewarded the good performers with retention, brought the skipper back in to show the way, and kept faith with those who’ve been consistent all season, expecting they’d show the derby to be a brief aberration. It all worked out nicely after a ropey start had the stands grumbling. Now he can relax and anticipate a sunny few weeks as the title hoves into view. Not that he’ll need any more sun…

Continued on the next page…

Celtic v Hearts, Scottish Premiership 29/03/2025. Referee Kevin Clancy during match at Celtic Park on 29 March 2025. Photo Malcolm Mackenzie PSI

MIBBERY – 3/10 – Come on, Clancy Drew, what was the persecution of The Rock all about? Grumpy MIBs have no place at title-chasing Paradise and the nitpicking consistency of penalising CCV’s every involvement go so irritating that the expectancy levels brought about a sardonic cheer when he actually did NOT blow against him. Even the big mhan had stopped awaiting another foul for… ‘Reasons.’ Alas, the MIBs’ collective demeanour remained – and will so do for months to come – forlorn and frustrated as the Hoops disposed of the Eastern Brethen comfortably.

Daizen Maeda after scoring during the Scottish Premiership match between Celtic and Hearts at Celtic Park on March 29, 2025 (Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images)

OVERALL – 7.5/10 – Well, that was great for half an hour. And that’s all it took to cut down those Moroons without eviscerating them completely. At 3, it looked like ten was possible, but the Bhoys took the control-without-conflict approach and saw out the game like the professional title-chasers they are, paying no heed for those of us baying for Jambo jam to flow and humiliate the away corner’s babbling demonic rabble.

Celtic got uncomfortable after another worrying sluggish opening – the only blight on the afternoon – had them energised and pressing us high. But we then found the ruthless champions’ streak when spaces opened and our creatives lit up. The goals were of the finest opulence, the third and final like receiving a vigorous, stimulating back massage then flipping over to find there’s a happy ending thrown in, compliments of the house: Maik snapped from deep into Arne, poked aside to Reo, slid to Kuhn, three strides and fizzed across for Daizen to zoom in and apply the finish. Half a dozen touches end-to-end.

Glorious.

And so the countdown continues.

Se7en. And the question is not ‘what’s in the box?’* but when do we get to open it? (See what I did there, fans of savagely dark classic and unique crime thrillers?).

*It’ll be the head of the Zombies. Metaphorically speaking…

Go Away Now

Sandman

Help raise funds for Celtic Youth Academy by playing the Celtic Pools Weekly Lottery and you could win up to £25,000. The lottery is £1 per week. Click on image to join.